CURRENT COLUMN: Abstinence & Safer Sex Message
Dear Sex Ed Mom,
I saw your show on Pure Oxygen -- great job. I was wondering if you could explain a bit more about how to teach your teens that they should wait to have sex until they are adults and teach them about condoms and birth control, without confusing them. My husband thinks we should just tell them not to have sex and that is it. How do I convince him otherwise?
--mom wanting justification
Dear Justification Seeking Mom,
Thanks for watching -- I'm glad you enjoyed the show! I wish I'd had more time to explain how to provide a clear, responsible message to our teens that includes both a strong recommendation for abstinence and safer sex information. Some parents argue that this is a mixed signal, or is too confusing for teens; but I completely disagree.
My previous column on teen pregnancy prevention included a summary of research showing the positive effects derived when parents discuss both abstinence and birth control. It turns out that the more information teens have about safer sex, the more likely they are to delay sexual intercourse. But as a parent, I know that "the numbers" don't always provide a clear picture. Here is how I try to explain it to parents -- maybe it will help you when justifying it to your husband:
Think of sexual health education as just one more life lesson or a lesson in safety. It is like teaching our children to "stop, look and listen" before they cross the street or teaching them to "stop, drop and roll" if they are ever on fire. Here are two analogies you could share with your husband.
From the time they can walk, we teach our children not to cross the street alone or without holding an adult's hand; but we also begin to teach them the rules of how to safely cross the street. We show them what the "walk" and "don't walk" signals are for, and how to stop, look both ways for traffic, and use the cross walk. By teaching them how to cross the street, we are not giving them permission to do so by themselves -- what we are doing is preparing them for the future or for any unforeseen situation where they have to cross a street alone.
We may also teach our children about fire safety. We show them how to dial 911, where the emergency exits from the house are located, how to use the fire extinguisher and what to do if they are ever on fire. However, just because we teach our children how to deal with fire doesn't mean we're giving them permission to set fires or play with matches.
If you provide a strong message that your kids should wait until adulthood to have sexual intercourse because of all the potential risks, and you teach them how to be safe and responsible if they do become sexually involved, you are teaching one of the most important life lessons -- how to avoid harm. This is not giving them permission to have sex nor does it mean that you are condoning sexual behavior among teens -- it means you are being an open, honest and responsible parent. Your teens will also learn from this that they can come to you if they make mistakes or unhealthy decisions.
When our kids do reach adulthood, they do not receive a special handbook on safer sex and birth control -- nor do they magically know how to have a responsible, healthy sexual relationship. They need sexual and relationship health information for the future, if not the present.
It is important that parents have a consistent message when providing sexual health education to their kids. I wish you much success in convincing your husband to help you provide this education for your teens.
Submit your questions to: erica@sexedmom.com
