Scripts to Help Teen Girls Talk About Sex
with Boyfriend, Mom and Doctor
Introduction: Why Talk About Sex and With Whom?
Sexual communication is key to sexual health whether you are having sex with a partner or not. Talking about sex with others is an excellent way to learn how to be sexually healthy and responsible. Talking about sex with your boyfriend, mom and doctor will help you:
Talking About Sex with Mom
Currently there is a great deal of advice for parents on how to talk with their kids and teens about sexual health (books, Web sites, videos) but not nearly as much for teens on how to bring up sex related topics with their parents. And unfortunately most parents don’t regularly initiate discussions about sex so it’s up to you to do it.
Here are some common questions teens ask along with some tips and actual “scripts” you might find helpful when communicating about sex with your mom:
How do I bring up the topic?
How can I make my mom comfortable talking about sex?
Remember that discussing sex in our culture is a very personal and private thing to do so it is best to first consider the environment and timing of the initial approach to your mom. Also, give your mom some time to prepare by setting up a specific future time for a private discussion. This is much like the difference between a pop quiz which you have no prep time for and a final exam for which you’ve been able to prepare – we are all much more comfortable when we are not taken my surprise. Finally, since all parents worry about their kids and many assume the worst just by the mention of certain topics provide some context for why you are bringing it up. Some things you might say to your mom:
“So I was wondering what dating was like when you were a teenager. I mean, you did hang out with guys when you were my age didn’t you? I want you to tell me all about it this weekend when you and I drive up to Aunt Jane’s.”
“Mom, ya know Carl and I have been going out for like 3 months now and well, I’m not saying we are having sex or even considering it right now but I have some questions about birth control I’d like to ask you sometime soon when we can talk privately. When can we talk?”
How do I ask my mom about making the right decisions about sex?
How do I ask my mom about going on birth control?
Once you are in the right environment, have privacy, have given her some “warning” and context to your discussion, you now want to ask her some specific questions about sex. Now is the time to remember that it’s your parent’s job to protect and worry about you so don’t expect a warm, happy reception to your questions. I mean, she probably won’t scream and lecture you (or then again, she might) but she will have that concerned, worried look on her face – don’t let this stop you from getting the information you need and opening the doors of communication. You never know when you will need to turn to your mom in a crisis situation. So, the best you can do is try to reassure her that you are making healthy decisions and just want some helpful advice from her. So you might say,
“Mom, don’t freak or anything but I have some personal questions I want to ask you. But first promise me you won’t jump to any conclusions. I’m just asking you about sex and stuff because I want to make good decisions about it now and in the future. So, first I want to know when will I know if I’m ready to have sex? When did you know? Was it the right decision for you at the time? I don’t think I’m ready but many of the kids at school seem to be having sex already…”
“I wanted to know about the first time a woman has sex. Is it true that it hurts and you bleed? I’ve heard some girls say this but others say it felt great – which do I believe? I’m not going to rush into it or anything I’m just curious.”
“So, mom now that we are alone I want to ask you about birth control. I think I want to go on the pill or get Depo shots so I don’t get pregnant. I know you don’t think I should be having sex yet but it’s my life and my decision; I just want to be safe about it so will you take me to the doctor’s to get on birth control?”
(Note: many moms are not comfortable taking their teen daughters to the doctor or clinic to get on birth control which is their prerogative just remember that teens do not need parent permission to get birth control confidentially from a doctor or family planning clinic.)
What do I say if my mom becomes angry or says she is disappointed because I told her I have already engaged in some sexual activity.
Again, it is your mom’s right to be upset and there isn’t much you can do about her feelings but you can reassure her that you are being sexually responsible, mature and safe. Yes, she will still worry about you – that is her job. If your mother expresses anger or disappointment and starts lecturing you on the dangers of sex here are samples of what you might try saying to her.
“Mom, I know that sex has many negative and harmful physical and emotional consequences but I did not rush into it and no one pressured me into anything – it was my decision and I’m using protection against STDs (condoms) and a reliable birth control method. I know you are disappointed with me but at least try not to worry too much.”
“You know I’m almost an adult and need to make my own decisions and be responsible for the consequences of those decisions. So that is what I’m doing. I didn’t tell you to make you angry, I just wanted you to know that I’m protecting myself and that I put a lot of mature thought into my decision to become sexually involved with Jerome. We love each other and are being safe because neither of us is ready for a kid.”
Finally, sexual activity is very personal and private and if you are being safe and responsible you may want to consider just how much you want to tell your mother – she doesn’t need to know the details and may not want to know. Besides, when is the last time she told you about her sexual activities?
Talking About Sex with a Boyfriend
We all know that we should talk to our sex partners BEFORE initiating sexual activity because there is so much that needs to be covered if we want to have a fulfilling and healthy sex life. We also need to talk about sex with a boyfriend even if we have decided we don’t want to have sex with him yet or ever. I know it can be embarrassing but isn’t respecting and protecting yourself worth a bit of embarrassment? Also, if you are really too embarrassed to talk about sex then you really aren’t ready to be having sex.
Whatever your personal decision about sexual activity be sure to have the “boyfriend sex talks” when you are not in “the heat of the moment.” Talk to him privately over dinner, or on a walk or just hanging out after school.
How do I tell my boyfriend that I’m not ready to have sex?
How do I tell my boyfriend that I want to wait to have sexual intercourse until (I’m over 18, engaged, committed, or married)?
“Terry, I really to like/love you but I think you should know that I’m really not ready to become sexually involved with anyone. I really don’t want to deal with the extra responsibility of birth control and the worry of STDs or pregnancy. I have too much going for me to take the risks. I hope you understand. Maybe when I’ve finished high school I’ll be ready – I don’t know when but I thought you should know so you don’t have any expectations.”
“I want sex to be very special so I’m waiting for the right time and it isn’t now so please don’t pressure me. If you really do care about me you’ll understand.”
How do I talk to my boyfriend about protection before we have sex?
“I do want to have sex with you sometime but when we do we have to be totally safe so of course we will use condoms and I need to be on some kind of birth control too. If we really do love each other then we should protect each other, right? Besides, it really won’t take long to get on birth control and we can buy condoms anytime.”
“What’s the rush? You don’t want me to get pregnant do you – I know I don’t. We can go to the clinic this weekend and find a birth control method that works for me and pick up some condoms. I’m ready, I just don’t want to make the same mistake Tina did.”
My boyfriend won’t listen to me – he wants to have sex and I don’t because I’m not ready or I want to make sure we are safe first – what do I say?
Come on now girls, if you are with a guy like this you know he doesn’t know a thing about having a mature, responsible and healthy relationship. You tell him to take a hike if he’s gonna disrespect your wishes. And you should tell all your girlfriends to take the same advice. ‘nough said!
Talking with Your Doctor
You can get some of the best information about sexual health from your doctor or health care provider but it isn’t easy asking the doc -- for teens or adults for that matter. If you think you might have an STD or want to go on birth control you have to do the asking because the doctor or nurse is probably not going to ask you. The best time to initiate the discussion is in the very beginning when you are still fully dressed (wearing a paper gown makes talking about anything more difficult!). Tell the nurse that takes you back to the examining room that you’d like to ask the doctor about birth control and/or STDs. Hopefully, then your doctor will bring up the conversation when she comes in so you’re off the hook.
How do I ask my doctor to test me for STDs and pregnancy; will they do this automatically if I tell them I’ve had sex?
Doctors do not automatically test for STDs or pregnancy during a physical or annual pelvic and pap so you must request the tests yourself. The direct approach is usually best but of course you might be embarrassed and don’t want your doctor to know you screwed up so you might try something like:
“I think I should be tested for STDs because while I’m usually very safe I did have sex once without a condom and I just want to be sure.”
“Can you please do a pregnancy test? We always use condoms but I think one may have broken a few weeks ago. I’m probably not, but it’s best to be certain.”
How do I ask my doctor about the risk of a specific sex act?
Again the direct approach is best but you can always “mask” the question so it sounds like a general informational question instead of a personal one. Try this:
“In my health class we saw a video that said the withdrawal method of birth control doesn’t work for teens – why is that?”
“I was reading one of your pamphlets in the lobby and it said that oral sex isn’t totally safe. What STDs can you get from having oral sex?”
How do I ask my doctor about confidentiality; I don’t want my parents to know what I was here for (or what we talked about)?
Even though in the US laws protect you by requiring that doctor’s visits and doctor-patient discussions are strictly confidential for teens it’s always best to bring it up as a reminder.
Doctor’s after all are only human and if it’s a family doctor who also sees your parent(s) you should definitely remind her about your privacy.
“Well I know my visit is totally confidential but I want to remind you that my mom really can’t know I was here. You won’t tell her will you?”
“Is there any way my parents will find out I took a pregnancy test today? I really don’t want them to find out. It’s confidential isn’t it?”
What if my doctor gets all judgmental when I tell her I’m having sex?
It would be quite shocking if a doctor or health care provider was anything but objective with all of their patients but it could happen. So, here are a few possible responses:
“I know you think I’m too young to be having sex – a lot of people do but at least I’m being safe about it unlike a lot of other teens.”
“Of course it isn’t any of your business and I didn’t ask for your opinion but I’m here because I’m taking care of myself and making sure I don’t mess up my future and that is what is important, right?”
Conclusion:
Sexual communication is on going in any healthy relationship. There should never be just one “sex talk” because you could certainly never cover all sex topics in one discussion, the circumstances in our lives and the relationship may change, and we may change our minds about our sexual limits or activities at any moment.
The more you talk about sexual health and responsibility, the more natural it becomes and your relationships will become stronger and healthier too. Talk it up!
Seventeen Magazine (August, 2002)Erica C. Neuman, M.S., health and sexuality educator and syndicated parenting advice columnist, “Sex Ed Mom.” (www.SexEdMom.com)
